You Are Not A Victim.
There are several definitions of what it means to be a victim. For example, Oxford Languages defines a victim as 1. “a person harmed, injured, or killed due to a crime, accident, or other event or action.” 2. “a person who is tricked or duped.” 3. “a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.”
The third definition is what I’m referring to when I talk about a victim. Moreover, Eckhart Tolle talks about a victim identity, which he defines as “the belief that the past is more powerful than the present, which is the opposite of the truth. It is the belief that other people and what they did to you are responsible for who you are now, for your emotional pain or your inability to be your true self.”
I’m all too familiar with victimhood, and I can safely say that from 2018 to 2020, my victimhood was at its height. Not only did my late boyfriend contract and die from one of the most vicious forms of cancer months after I’d left my country to be with him, but my brother also got stabbed and was in a critical condition.
While all of that was happening, I was experiencing a lot of racism almost daily. Then soon after the passing of my late boyfriend, I also got unfairly dismissed from a job that I was good at and dedicated to because I refused to be exploited.
Shortly after that, a stranger deliberately pushed me into oncoming traffic and then began to assault me soon afterwards while shouting at me in a language I didn’t understand. This happened in public, while a family watched from across the road and did nothing.
Afterwards, I was referred to a psychologist who laughed the whole time I told her about the incident — this was my breaking point.
From then on, I spiralled into a deep depression, complete with suicidal ideation. I felt that I and my pain weren’t being acknowledged. As a result, I contemplated doing some pretty drastic things to force people to see me and my pain.
I thought about setting myself alight or killing people in public, so they would finally care and acknowledge how much I was hurting. My pain was compounded by the fact that I couldn’t get access to a psychologist, which made me even more desperate.
While this was happening, I still had to attend university, submit assignments and do exams. Fortunately, I was eventually able to see a therapist who got me back on the road to healing.
At the time, I felt profoundly helpless, sad and sorry for myself. Although they meant well, the people who pitied me and constantly told me how life had done me dirty unknowingly confirmed or fed my victim identity, which sunk me deeper into depression and made me feel cursed and trapped.
When someone’s suffering, people tend to want to make them feel better by saying that things will get better. In saying this, they unconsciously set up the expectation that things should get better. But, in my case, things didn’t get better. They got progressively worse, which confirmed my bias of being cursed and heightened my victimhood and the feeling of being trapped.
I started thinking, “what’s the point of living or striving for anything if the world is fucked up, and I’m cursed to only experience suffering?” I even started to wonder who I’d killed in my past life to be subjected to such torment.
I continued to feel sorry and helpless for a long time after that until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knew that something had to change. I realised that as long as I live, I can’t and won’t avoid suffering — I just have to find a way to manage it. At the same time, I acknowledged that I wouldn’t suffer all the time.
To manage suffering, the first thing I looked at were my thoughts. I realised that what really hurt me the most was the story I’d created in mind about what happened more than what had actually happened.
From then on, I stopped seeing events that happened as things that happened to me but just as events that had happened. In other words, I stopped taking them personally and, in doing so, stopped seeing them as things done to punish me. I also stopped feeling entitled to having a good life for being good.
I also acknowledged that my life didn’t have to end or stop just because these things happened. From then on, I began paying more attention to the fact that I survived these events and that I was much stronger than I thought I was, and I swore to not end or ruin my life by feeling helpless or sorry for myself. I won’t lie; playing Alicia Keys’ song, Superwoman on repeat also helped.
Furthermore, I realised that I survived these events for a reason and thought that there’s maybe a greater purpose to this suffering. From then on, I started seeing the suffering as an opportunity to learn and grow instead of seeing it as senseless, which only made it hurt like hell and strengthened my victim mentality.
In addition, I learned that suffering being inevitable need not be bad news if I use it to become more aware and change the situation. I now firmly believe that suffering can help humans learn and grow.
Moreover, William Shakespeare allegedly says, “expectation is the root of all heartache.” Sometimes it’s not the situation or person that hurts you, but your expectations of the situation or person. So, for example, if you think you shouldn’t suffer, and you do, then you’ll be hurt. In addition, if you expect people to behave in a certain way, and they don’t, then you’ll also be hurt. Similarly, if you expect your life to be a certain way and it’s not, then that’ll also cause you pain.
Ultimately, I acknowledged that things, people, and situations only have as much power as you give them. You might not have control over what happens to you, where you’re born, which identity you’re assigned, how you’re treated, the circumstances you face, but you don’t have to be victimised by it.
To see yourself as a victim is not only demoralising, essentialising and unhelpful, but by doing so, you also give people and situations the power to hurt you, ruin your life or keep you down.
When you see yourself as a victim, you make others and outside factors responsible, making you dependent on them to change, leaving you feeling helpless and powerless.
However, if you don’t give these things power, if you see your circumstances for what they are and take responsibility, you no longer have to wait for anyone or anything to change, allowing you to take back the power.
