The Danger of Allies
Although allies can hold you down, they can also hold you back.
As much as allies can be an asset, they can also be a liability. When I say ally, I mean the Dictionary.com definition of “a person, group, or nation that is associated with another or others for some common cause or purpose.” Alternatively, the Merriam-Webster definition of an ally is “one that is associated with another as a helper: a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle.”
Allies become dangerous when they prioritise their safety and comfort over achieving the goal and expect you to do the same to keep their support. As human beings, it’s natural and sometimes sensible to want to be safe and comfortable. By safe and comfortable, I mean not doing anything that will risk your livelihood, relationships, reputation, or life. However, sometimes, actions threatening your safety and comfort are required to reach the goal, depending on what you aim to achieve and the circumstances in which you’re operating.
For example, with causes relating to inequality and racism, a willingness to take risks is a prerequisite because these are issues that many in society and organisations would rather deny and ignore. In this case, if your allies aren’t willing to be disliked, go against the status quo or their conditioning in any way, nor sacrifice for the cause, then it’s a problem. If you’re the only one who thinks it’s a problem, then it’s an even bigger problem because you’ll spend your time trying to convince an unbothered majority instead of focusing on the cause.
Also, if they don’t see something as problematic, the more you try to convince them to see and solve the problem, the more they problematise you. Not only do you become the problem, but by not playing along and fulfilling their expectations of an ally, you become an obstacle to their comfort and security and, therefore, an enemy of ‘progress.’ You can become an enemy even when you and your allies agree on the same goal, but you choose or see a different way of getting there.
Being an enemy “justifies” your mistreatment, shaming and exclusion by allies. Allies could also misinterpret your intentions based on their trauma, denial and fear, and convince themselves that you’re an enemy who should be dehumanised and burned at the metaphorical stake for your “sins.” In this way, your allies — once friends — can become your worst enemies.
Sometimes allies hold you back from doing things with good intentions. For example, your friends and family might convince you not to take certain risks because they fear for your safety and comfort. Because you care about them and their opinions, you might end up not doing what you need to do for the cause because you want to make them happy and keep their support. Then you end up in a situation where you’re safe, comfortable and supported but unhappy because you had to compromise your values for it. Living your life to please allies is not only exhausting, but it can also keep you from the goal and being yourself.
Growing up, I was always so focused on pleasing people and being whatever they wanted me to be because I thought it would keep me safe. I never wanted to rock the boat or stand out negatively in any way, so I camouflaged myself in the crowd. Despite all of that, someone still tried to kill me. At that moment, my being “good” did and meant nothing. That’s when I thought, “if someone’s going to try to kill me regardless of what I do, I might as well say and do what I want, and be myself. If I’m going to die anyway, I might as well die in service of the truth as myself.” From then on, I stopped letting the fear of disappointing people, not meeting their expectations, and their negative opinions of me dictate my life.
Sometimes the truth hurts, and people reject it because it’s too painful to face. Instead of accepting and confronting it, they’d rather make you an enemy and try to destroy you as an act of virtue signalling. If this happens to you, let them say what they want to say, do what they want to do and think what they want to think about you. As for me, I know who I am, and I don’t have to prove or disprove anything to anyone. I’m not responsible for anyone’s feelings or perceptions.
Ultimately, safety and comfort might feel good, but no revolutionary change worth mentioning ever happened without risk and discomfort. As Albert Einstein so eloquently put it, “a ship is always safe at shore, but that is not what it is built for.” With that said, find the courage to venture from the shore and discover what your strength and purpose is, and let no anchor hold you back.
